Spotlight: I don't feel successful.
Calling someone or something successful is all relative.
Thinking I am successful is a blender of fuckary mixed in with prayers and confusion. I am all for counting your blessings and appreciating how far you've come. It isn't easy to make a decision about your life and then going for it. By no means am I saying I don't work hard. In fact, I know how to grind. But success for me looks different.
"Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own." -Michelle Obama
Success is a noun. It is a thing. A thing that we strive for - to achieve- bring home to mama. It looks different for everyone. For me, I want it to look a certain way. I want to see it on certain platforms. (#Netflixandchill with my movie on, anyone?)
Big Achievements and Success
My friend Imani told me a long time ago to count your success with every step you make. If it means you looked up a location for a film location, be proud of that. If it is finding good lighting equipment that doesn't cost a million dollars, that is a success. I agree with her to an extent. Those are successes because it motivates me to keep going. It is a step towards something greater.
This month my movie "Smoke" gets released on #AmazonPrime December 31st. The whole world will be able to see all the hard work me, team and actors did. This is successful. Right? Why don't I feel like it? Is this not a big achievement? I should be thrilled but I'm thinking well, it's not HBO, Netflix, or Hulu. I'm worried about reviewers. I'm freaking out over things I can't control.
I was raised to believe success means money. Like I'm supposed to be rich, coming and going as I please with no limits. My bank account tells me I'm not broke, but I better watch it! I do come and go as I please but with a schedule. And no limits? Puh-lezz. I ain't Master P. Limitations are everywhere! I am working really hard on changing my brain on what success is to me. It's easy to say yes, find success in everything you do, but it's harder to feel it. I want to feel it. The last time I felt it was October 20th when I oversold a theater for "Smoke". I knew how that felt and haven't felt it since. Maybe this time, I want to win more. Maybe I just need to humble myself. I am proud of my accomplishment, but I want to feel successful. Am I crazy for feeling this way??